The Jam – September 2019 – Issue 7
SEPTEMBER 2019 – ISSUE 7
CR Loses Record Deal
Capitol Records Nashville sent out young A&R executive, A.J. Knowsshit, to scout local country band Country Redford.
“I’m going to take a hard pass with Country Redford,” stated Knowsshit.
“I’m definitely dissapointed,” stated lead singer Scot Bluechevy. “I thought we gave a solid performance.”
“‘Solid performance?’ He actually said ‘solid?’ If that’s the case I took a solid performance in the toilet this morning,” stated Knowsshit.
When asked what specifically led him not to consider Country Redford, Knowsshit replied, “How much time do you have?”
Knowsshit mentioned not starting on time, not mentioning sponsors enough and general lack of talent.
Publicity Stunt has Bluechevy in Hot Water with Remaining Fans
With ticket sales down and attendance at an all time low, Country Redford singer Scot Bluechevy pulled no punches at a gig last Saturday.
Bluechevy appeared on stage to start the second set wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. A publicity stunt that has him in hot water with longtime fans.
“What an a$&0/3!” replied long time Country Redford fan Muscle Car Mike Gumball.
“I’m considering taking my talents elsewhere,” stated an angry Gumball.
Band members had mixed responses.
“This is the first thing that he’s ever gotten right!” replied satisfied CR drummer Tommy Gunn.
Country Redford Hosts Roadie Auditions
Every Friday the 13th Country Redford holds tryouts for drum and guitar technicians. The guys weigh in on how this new crop of rookies are handling the task.
“Things went from bad to worse real quick,” lead singer Scot Bluchevy explains. “None of these guys could even get my drink order right. They need to know what I want to taste.”
“I feel bad for the new recruits so I like to let them down easy when I break the news,” states guitarist Slim Pickens.
“Picture a slow public hanging, so it really drags out. Lots of kicking and flailing. That’s how Slim explains to the newbies their performance,” recalls Country Redford bassist Sub Sonic.
“Ironically the guys that make the cut, also get a cut; one of those cool black leather vests with a CR patch on the back.”
“Half of these guys didn’t even test positive for drugs. Is that the kind of negativity you want on your team?” convincingly asks drummer Tommy Gunn.
“It’s like no one knows how to roadie these days. None of these cherries take it seriously. I mean, they laugh anytime I say G string… Ha-huh… G string,” giggles guitarist Extra Chrispy.
“Finding chicks for the band is like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys. These guys don’t have high standards. Tattoos, piercings, c-section scars and stretch marks preferred,” reports the Durkholder boys, long time roadies of Country Redford.
“It is impossible to run sound for these guys. Each one of them want their instrument turned up way too loud. They blow fuses before we even sound check. And it’s my fault? Ridiculous!” explains an aggravated AAron Seacrest, the bands sound man and decibel calibrator.
“One word: high maintenance,” adds a nodding Country Redford manager Cold Ginn.
#DABTY Releases New Line of Drum Rugs
For DABTY Inc., drumming isn’t the only thing they’re better at than you. Apparently, they also are better at rug decor. #DABTY CEO, Tommy Gunn, released a new line of drum set rugs Tuesday.
“Our most popular is of course the custom-orders for personalized drum rugs with stand and drum markings for easy positioning of equipment night in and night out. For those percussionists venturing into the world of lesser instruments, like Dave Grohl who also plays guitar, we do offer rug extenders to support guitar and keyboard stands. I mean, people are free to do stupid things. I would prefer rug extenders to be used for a set of congas or timpani, but whatever,” replied Gunn.
“Our signature line, for instance, will feature popular #dabty members. You can order a Neil Peart circular rug or the Tommy Lee ‘roof rug’,” smiled Gunn. “Yes, you can choose which arena roof you want, which mimics Tommy Lee’s upside-down cage drum solo… pretty sweet!”
DABTY Inc. has even thought to include rugs which compliment a drummers life at home. Pictured above is a new design for a custom rug for use in puppy training, or as a stylish replacement for newspaper in the bottom of bird cages. “Drummers gotta show love for their pets. So when your third wife gets custody of your dog in the divorce, you can now buy this authentic Fender rug to use as a potty pad for the new puppy you’re gonna need to fill the void in your soul,” remarks Gunn.