The Jam – August 2019 – Issue 6
AUGUST 2019 – ISSUE 6
Captain Ron: “Gunn”ship on the High Seas
During a concert at the Whiskey Island Marina in Cleveland, Ohio, one drunken onlooker mistakes Country Redford for Canadian rock band Rush.
Ron, a forty-something yacht captain, recalls the event with uncertain clarity: “I could’ve sworn I saw them sail in from the Canadian side of lake Erie, setup some massive drum set and turn the volume up. The concert kind of started out slow with some cover songs I’ve never heard, but then took a dramatic turn when the band announced an original tune. I was immediately, after taking several shots of Jameson, amazed at the musicianship, complex compositions, and eclectic lyrical motifs drawing heavily on science fiction, fantasy, and philosophy that this band was dealing out on stage. I’ve seen Rush several times as a young mariner in the mid-70s. This was them! I’m sure of it!”
After the concert was over, Ron approached the band. “He kept calling me Neil, even after I told him my name was Tom,” exclaims Tommy Gunn, Country Redford drummer. “I just gave in and started referring to Sub Sonic as Geddy after he invited us all back to his yacht for fine scotch, meat and cheese.”
Purportedly during the soirée, Captain Ron let Gunn take the helm. “I gunned it, as I do, swinging that wheel port-side screaming lyrics to Chris Janson’s ‘Buy Me a Boat’ but no one had the foresight to unhitch from the cleats… so we went nowhere.”
Country Redford Manager Cuts Ties
“I can’t stand these [expletive]s!” enthusiastically states Country Redford manager Cold Ginn. “I don’t think these guys even know what they’re doing and I’m sick of it!”
Country Redford has been selling out shows and packing clubs leaving no where to park, sit or sell merchandise.
“Club owners have been underestimating our loyal fans and don’t prepare staff or valet parking like I warn them to. Do you know how hard it is to turn fans away because we’re ‘at capacity?’ I mean, is that even a real thing?” questions Ginn.
“What they don’t realize is, if all the girls sat on the guys’ shoulders you can get twice as many people in the door without taking any extra room. Boom! Mind blown…. And this is why I manage,” proclaims Ginn.
“I’ve been making these guys millions with advertising and marketing, booking shows and selling merch, but I don’t think the band really knows what’s going on sometimes. It’s bad enough that I have to bathe and dress dress these guys, which is not a perk of the job… but this one time they tried to take the stage in normal ties instead of the CR issued bolo ties, because it was this formal gig, right?…. So I walked right over and trimmed them [expletive] up right! It’s Cold Gin time again [expletive]!” shouts Ginn then quickly interjects, “By the way, hats are $25 a piece or two for $40.”
Favorite Local Singer Hit with Restraining Order
“I actually voted against myself and still won,” unapologetically gloats Country Redford lead singer Scot Bluechevy about being voted best Male vocalist in Cleveland.
“But this? This is ridiculous. Just cause he says that I’m crazy doesn’t make me crazy,” expresses Bluechevy about his highly publicized man-crush who recently issued a restraining order.
“This is a total shock! I’ve loved Billy for years. He and I go way back. I actually knew him as William. We actually colluded on a couple songs together. His big hits mostly. My ideas. His hits. I thought he’d be happy to see me again. He’s probably jealous of my recent success,” explains Bluechevy.
“Did you know that I actually wrote Billy’s favorite song? You know the mega hit ‘We Are Tonight?’ Well, it’s the one right after that,” proudly recalls Bluechevy.
Currington’s attorney, who filed the restraining order against Bluechevy, states, “My client’s recent Cleveland concert was the first time he and Bluechevy met. Classic stage five clinger, just like the rest of the teenage girls.”
Scot Bluechevy’s Top 5 Non-Country Bands
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In a surprising pre-prepared statement Bluechevy explains his unwillingness to participate. “My parents raised me right! They raised me knowing there are only two types of music. ‘Country’ and ‘Western.’ And… Outlaw Country.”
***Country Redford – available for concerts, parties, weddings, reunions, baptisms, bar mitzvahs, open houses, keggers, ragers, bangers, bonfires, quinceaneras, funerals and early prison releases for parolees with good behavior.***
#DABTY Member Helps the Less Fortunate
After dedicating his life to drumming, honorary #dabty member and professor emeritus iDeal Sevens, of the #dabty school for gifted musicians, is giving back.
Local country guitar player, Extra Chrispy, was the beneficiary of Sevens’s generosity. After several rough months of playing, Chrispy’s songs have become barely recognizeable.
“When you see someone struggling, I like to help out,” said Sevens.
After years of drumming why would a drummer exchange his sticks for picks?
“I want to help those playing the simpler instruments, like the guitar, and boost confidence in the player,” explains Sevens.
CR Guitar Player Struggles Through Master Class Lesson with #DABTY Professor
CR guitarist Extra Chrispy couldn’t do it.
“I had no idea what he was doing. I mean he was playing guitar but the intricacies and rhythms were overwhelming,” explained Chrispy.
This was EC’s reaction following a recent master-class guitar lesson given by #dabty professor emeritus iDeal Sevens.
“I wrote a, what I thought was pretty basic, blues riff in E. I thought it would be a good starting point considering the 20+ years of guitar playing Chrispy has had. When I finished showing him the riff, he just sat there staring for what was a good 5 awkward minutes,” replied Sevens about the experience.
“I didn’t know what to do. I saw him play it, I heard it but couldn’t reproduce the riff,” said Chrispy.
“He grabbed his phone started flipping through apps and muttered ‘Can you record a video and send it?’” continued Sevens. “I knew then the lesson was over.”