The Jam – December 2019 – Issue 10
NOVEMBER 2019 – ISSUE 9
Crispy Putting in Work
Guitar player by night, security guard by later night, CR guitarist Extra Chrispy moonlights to make some extra money for the holidays.
“I think he is a bouncer at a local male review club downtown,” replied Scot Bluechevy. “The one night I ran into him when I was partying downtown. He was outside and said he had just come from working the stage. He was all sweaty and it must’ve been a fight or something because he didn’t have a shirt on.”
“Lately, he’s been ducking out of the gig right as we’re finishing. Doesn’t tear down, he’s just out,” stated guitarist Slim Pickens. “Whatever service he’s offering seems to pay great! He said something about the club not paying in big bills. He’s always got pockets full of singles.”
“He’s been wearing this cop uniform starting the second set. I thought it was a cool Halloween costume but he’s still wearing it and it’s December,” muttered bassist Subsonic. “It’s a shame how the force can’t afford more than tear-away pants.”
Extra Crispy told “The Jam” editorial crew that he was available for hire at $250/hour and that he specializes in security and protection for Bachelorette Parties.
Seacrest Sells Ad Space to Meet Band Demands
CR sound and light engineer, Daaron Seacrest, invests in bands. For his latest endeavor, he is selling ad space on his clothing in order to upgrade lighting equipment which the band has demanded.
“I’ve done a lot of things to keep bands happy. I’ll be honest I’m not exactly proud of what I’ve been willing to do but what can I say? That was a different time,” replied Seacrest.
Currently, his ads are going for $30 for a 3”x3” space. Fees are slightly higher for what Seacrest calls ad space on or near “parts frequently viewed by admirers.”
“Also, for $30 I will give 30 second business pitches to the band’s fans on breaks,” said Seacrest.
Daaron Seacrest – the entrepreneur.
CR Diss-bands
Country Redford drumming prodigy and fashion mogul Tommy Gunn’s company, Dabty Inc., has been hired by CR Merchandise for new rock star wristbands. Wristbands come with popular #dabty negative constructive criticism quotes such as “Stop Sucking” and “My Sticks Are Bigger Than Yours.”
“These diss-bands are effective at negatively boosting band moral which is important when putting fellow musicians in their place,” proudly states Gunn.
Show Stolen by Gunn
CR drummer, Tommy Gunn, supplements 2nd job by taking a 3rd job during a set break.
Gunn, no stranger to hard work, stole the show when he robbed contestants at a local karaoke contest Wednesday night.
“You know with the holidays coming up, I never pass up a chance for easy money,” shoots Gunn.
“He [Gunn] walked in and a C,S&N song just started playing. He walked over, grabbed the mic from the DJ, killed it, then quietly spoke into the mic, ‘I’ll take a Guinness…tall,” replied a bewildered ‘Spoonman’ Forks.
Gunn may not have realized the competition that had performed before him. He was up against Two Drunk Chicks (known to persuade judges through other non-singing means), ‘Spoonman’ Forks, and fellow CR band mate, Scot Bluechevy (rated Best Singer on the east side of Rome-Rock Creek Road 2 years in a row).
“As soon as I saw him walk in the bar my hopes sank,” replied a dejected Bluechevy. “I could’ve used that money.”
“Hi, I’m Chrispy I play in the highly successful cRock band Country Redford. Have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling? You know what I mean. Your G “Slinky” can’t stay straight anymore. Well I’m hear to tell you that you aren’t alone. The new GHS Coated Boomers are always hard and wrapped to allow you to play with it for much longer…”
Country Redford’s Christmas Wish List
Scot Bluechevy
I would like to be able to make music with my mouth and also, a new coach for Browns.
Extra Crispy
One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Slim Pickens
Anything but a teacher’s salary.
Sub Sonic
I want to not play country music anymore. I also want Extra Crispy to buy a Floyd Rose Tremolo and stop constantly tuning his guitar on stage. Lastly, I would like a microphone so I could finally sing backups.
Tommy Gunn
Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here…with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, [expletive], hopeless, heartless, fat-[expletive], bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey [expletive] he is! Hallelujah! Holy [expletive]! Where’s the Tylenol?
Daaron Seacrest
A therapist… not for me, but for Bluechevy. Also, for no one to buy Sub Sonic a vocal microphone.
Cold Gin
Pretty sure I’m on the “Naughty List” anyways… so what does it matter?
If you could have a love child with any band member, who would it be? (submitted by “CR4LIF” aka Chris Keffer)
I think that’s obvious, there’s only one band member with a vagina.