The Jam – July 2019 – Issue 5
JULY 2019 – ISSUE 5
Happy Birthday, USA!
Right on!
The Jam sat down with members of the band to discuss the U.S. Constitution and the role it plays in music as a whole. The members weighed in offering explanations of their favorite Rights.
Slim – “Definitely the 1st Amendment right freedom of speech. I mean, if it wasn’t for that freedom, think about how it would affect country music. You’d have artists writing about drinking, relationships gone wrong, and trucks.”
Tommy Gunn – “I think it’s pretty obvious… ‘protection against unreasonable search and seizure.’ I mean I get stopped all the time and they see my name and this Yosemite Sam mustache and immediately assume that I’m packing. I’m here to let you know that the only thing I’m packing is night clubs. You think I’m riding dirty? It ain’t that kind of party. Also, the right to bear arms, because, ya know, bears need arms.”
Subsonic – “Religious freedom. I mean, I can worship my bass if I want and people can worship my playing. Why would we want to deprive humanity of that?”
Scot Bluechevy – “Numeral ocho, compadre. Sorry, I’ve been practicing my Mexican. I am so grateful that we have freedom from ‘cruel and unusual punishments.’ Thinking back to previous relationships, I’ve dealt with some cruel and unusual women. No one should have to deal with cruel and unusual anything IMO, amigo.”
Extra Chrispy – “I plead the 5th.” Chrispy refused to answer the question.
Drummer’s Wife Caught with Six Chicks at One Time
“It was a serene early spring evening in beautiful Mentor, Ohio. Sounds of children’s laughter from the playground radiate and mix mid-air over barking coaches and the dull bassly sound of soccer balls being volleyed and received. I was currently stationed at Donald E. Krueger Park tasked with watching my three sons as two played on the playground and one practiced with his travel soccer team,” recounts Tommy Gunn, Country Redford drummer. “It was a day that forever changed my life! I can remember it like it was just last week… because it was just last week…” says Gunn.
Sarah, Tommy’s wife, was supposed to be working late on this day, but she had other life-changing plans set in motion for the Gunn crew. T. Gunn reports peripherally catching his Prius III round the corner into the Donald E. Krueger parking lot shortly after 7:00 post meridien. “I thought to myself, ‘Why is she here?” says Tommy. “In typical Sarah Gunn fashion, my wife showed up unannounced with her devious stare. She didn’t say a word to me, just traded the Prius keys for the van’s and left as quickly as she had come.”
Without so much as a “hey-howdy,” Sarah Gunn came and went leaving a befuddled Tommy in her wake.
“So, this is the point where your start jumping to conclusions. Why does she need the van? Where is she going? What is she doing? All these questions swimming around in my head searching for their answers. I just didn’t know what to think,” says Mr. Gunn.
Only minutes after the incident at Krueger Park, eye witness reports place Sarah Gunn in Chardon, OH picking up chicks and loading them into the Gunn family minivan.
“Imagine my disbelief when I got home that evening with the children in-tow only to find my wife of eleven years in the crux of ecstacy among six chicks!” exclaims Tommy Gunn.
“What would you do?” asks Gunn. “We’ve been through many hurdles in our relationship and I’ve learned over the years the best reaction is to stay positive and just roll with the punches.”
This reporter is happy to announce that the Gunn’s took kindly to their new family pets who are well kept and growing by the day. Egg production is slated for early to mid fall this year and this story has a “happy ending”. As expected, the chicks are into drummers!
Shades of Sonic
Country Redford bassist and sun-glass enthusiast Sub Sonic has been rocking crowds, not only with his rumbling bass lines, but also his custom-made shades. He never takes the stage without them.
“Prescription? I’m guessing prescription. I think he has glaucoma,” whispered drummer Tommy Gunn when asked about Sonic’s attire.
“Oh those? Yeah… he has a bad facial deformity. Told me it was a terrible cheese grating accident when he was a little kid. Nasty business really,” proclaimed guitarist Extra Chrispy.
“I actually put them on once. There was this whole retinal scan and pop up display. I wasn’t sure what it meant. Seemed weird cause Sonic can’t read Russian. Actually I don’t think Sonic can read or write. I mean he signs his name дозвуковой. Maybe it’s his epilepsy? I don’t know but he’s a weird guy. The only thing we really have in common is our love for Vodka,” admitted guitarist Slim Pickens.
“Oh these babies? I mean, the lights are bright but really I just wear them so the guys don’t see me rolling my eyes at their performance. I mean I love my comrades, but… Wait. Did I say comrades? I meant friends. Don’t tell them I said that. I think they might be onto me. Wait. Are you recording this?!!” nervously asked Sub Sonic.
CR Manager Tired of Band Shenanigans
The Jam walked with CR band manager Cold Gin on her way to a show last Friday night.
“We play these clubs and I’m forced to park way down the street and the guys won’t answer their phones to come pick me up. I always have to do the last-minute running around. They forgot batteries, they’re hungry or need tummy medicine. Well I’ve had it. “F@&$ these guys!” says a disgruntled Cold Gin.
As we approached the bar, CR band members were standing together looking at each other’s phones.
“I got this new gif maker and it’s awesome,” replied guitar player Slim Pickins.
Cold Gin laid into the band, “Why didn’t you guys answer your phones? I’ve been trying to get ahold of someone to pick me up!”
“We thought you were joking,” stated Scot Bluechevy.
The Jam had to cut the interview short due to unforeseen circumstances resulting from Buechevy’s statement.
“I remember my first gig”
“Every gig presents unique challenges. Depending on weather and logistics, you have to be resourceful and ‘engineerative’ (a term Seacrest coined and is awaiting patent).” Basically, you have to do a lot of ‘country-rigging’ as he puts it to pull off a show.
CR sound engineer Aaron Seacrest smiles as he watches singer Scot Bluechevy struggle to find the switch to power his microphone.
“I remember my first gig,” laughs Seacrest. “Bluechevy does this every gig.”
“Whether it’s Bluechevy’s mic, Slim’s monitor, Chrispy’s in-ears, Gunn’s mp3 intros or Sonic’s entire bass rig, you’d think this was the first gig that any of these guys played. It’s like watching monkeys discovering fire, watching it go out [each gig] and try to remember how to re-light it. I can’t believe that any of them made it this far,” replied a bewildered Seacrest.
Finally, after the amusement started to dwindle, Seacrest yelled to the band, “hold it for 3 seconds, pull and twist, unmute your channel, send it in a .mov format and step away from the bass rig!”
The band went on to play a great show Saturday night.
Gunn Shoots Down Offer
CR’s Gunn is a lot of things. Fuul man will not be one of them.
“It’s not happening…period,” replied CR drummer Tommy Gunn in a matter-of-fact tone.
“People are telling me I’m Fuul man (the current twist on the infamous Marlboro man character).”
In an effort to boost sales, vape company Fuul has asked Gunn to be the face of the company in the music sphere.
“That carries a heavy burden,” responds Gunn.
“We are a family-friendly band, I’m a family-friendly man. I promote health. I’m a straight shooter. I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. Besides, I have a lot of little pistols who look up to me,” Gunn continued.
“Nicotine kills, Gunns will not.”